365 Days Of Love. Day 38

“You need to learn to love yourself as much as you love others”

More often than not, I’ve let my feelings about myself be dictated by unimportant societal expectations. If the number on the scale rises to a value that doesn’t seem acceptable, I grow anxious and start devising ways to add more workouts into the fleeing hours of my day. When I take pictures alongside my gorgeous friends, I wonder, “Why can’t my nose be smoother? Where are my boobs? Why is my butt so big? Why do my legs resemble the thickness of Ms. Trunchbolt’s from Matilda?”

Beyond the rash critique of my physical appearance, I’m often questioning my character as well. “Why did I lose patience with my students? How come I spoke poorly about one of my friends? Why didn’t I write grants? E-mail my ever-growing network? Was it really necessary to sit stagnant for those 23 minutes afterschool while I drank my chocolate soymilk?”

I realize some of my self-criticism is warranted and some is relatively absurd, but in my attempt to become a better version of myself, it’s become inherent.

On Saturday, I was unleashing my self-doubt on one of my dear friends, Katie. After she denied many claims of inferiority made by me, she bluntly stated what I needed to hear most,

“You need to learn to love yourself as much as you love others.”

The words immediately embedded themselves into my brain with force created by Katie and the plethora of people who have told me the same thing previously. My brain, nails of truth piercing it, drew a conclusion.

Likely, the most prominent thing holding me back from being a better version of myself is the fact that I find it so easy to criticize myself, so easy to be angry at myself, so inherent to highlight my negatives instead of praise my positives.

One of my greatest fears is losing humility. Per this fear, I’m constantly singing self-doubt into my soul. These are not the songs that lift me up that make me fly. Rather, these songs weigh me down with the burden of some unkind messenger. These songs, written with unwarranted notes, prevent me from realizing

Who

I

Am

I will always need improvement. My exterior will never resemble that of a 5’10” model, but if I can begin loving myself perhaps my interior will sow light.

Katie taught me that loving others isn’t rooted in self-loathing. Rather, loving myself only lengthens the ray at which I can love others.