This is frightening-writing.
After abandoning my blog in September, I've felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. I don't at all think people depend on my blog to remind them of the innate positivity present in our lives. I, however, am reminded by said positivity through my interactions with people and I've always considered my blog as an outlet to say, "Thank you, Universe. Thank you for the people and experiences you've afforded me because I believe these experiences envelope the beauty of life."
I'm not sure why I stopped writing. At one point, I remember thinking, "It's been too long-I can't recover-a year reflecting on love ended 165 days in." From that low point, an incessant internal debate played out in my head-should I pick up where I left off? Leave it all together? Attempt to shoot for 365 days even though it will certainly surpass an actual calendar year?
One day, about a week ago, while walking to a friend's house I thought, "Things don't always go as planned and the joy of being human, the ability to internalize error and setbacks would be wasted if I didn't continue my blog. I nearly quit-like it's so stinking easy to do.
We're not created to quit, though.
In the past three months, I've wished myself away from Wanblee, thought I was in love, learned I wasn't in love, cultivated meaningful relationships with my students, developed deep friendships with my co-workers, started lifting weights, convinced my friends to start running, celebrated my nephew's second birthday, listened to friends, vented to friends, spent time with family, fell in love with the place I am, the experience I'm having, and the promise of this moment.
Despite the South Dakota weather-like changes in my life, one thing remains resonant; I am in control of my joy, I am in control of the amount of joy I seek from others and the amount I allow to seep from me. Whereas I cannot control all of my experiences, I can absolutely control my reactions to them. The strongest sentiment singing from my heartstrings is this:
Love is a choice, experiencing and giving it is a choice. The choice is easiest and most clearly made when we first love ourselves and the decisions we're making in our lives.
Loving is knowing we're here limitedly, knowing we have each moment only once, knowing that we can choose it- we can absolutely choose to
love.
The strife, the joy, the wrong turns, the detours, the people we collide with, the people we mesh with
We can love it all because it's all we possess and it's all we'll ever
receive.
