On Monday, when I turned off the I-90 and headed south
towards Wanblee, I grew increasingly… despondent. It’s as if every mile South
meant another mile of…sadness within my soul. To be clear, I care a lot about
the students I work with, I love the people I work with, but there’s an
incomprehensible soberness present within me when I return to the Reservation.
I’m not writing to trying to define it or reap pity for it, but rather, to
share a revelation recently revealed to me about sadness.
Yesterday, I attempted to uncover a new running path and
encountered disappointment 15 steps in when I realized the “path” wasn’t really
a path at all. Annoyed, I turned around and took to the highway.
Normally, I run to the housing development 2 and half miles
away. The 5 mile round trip run bores me and each fearful step brings the pesky
promise of dogs who, by their barking and chasing, clearly consider me a
threat.
Yesterday, I ran the other way on the highway. I ran towards
the store, the nearest town (still 30 miles away), the Interstate. No dogs
chased me and each step, it felt, took me closer to places I wished to go.
While I ran, I considered my current lot, I reflected on
each strange feeling present and past induced by this experience, I thought
about the things I could do to change my situation. The entire run, I thought,
reflected, considered….
After 45 minutes, I turned into school housing and in the
near distance, I saw the setting sun. Pinks, purples, and blues lit the dimming
sky and then I remembered
this is an experience.
Everything is an experience.
And, experiences are privy to me as a human. Experiences
should be felt and not wished away, even if they are unpleasant.
Pain, sadness, anxiety are experiences just as joy is an
experience.
I trust that I can learn to love greater by experiencing,
truly experiencing, every moment of every day.
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