365 Days Of Love. Day 98

It’s been far too long since I’ve sat down at my computer and clicked away at the keyboard. In my respite, I went to Colorado, flew back down to the Valley, rapidly packed my car (and attached U-Haul) trailer, picked up my dad in Laredo, and drove damn near 24 hours. In the time of coming and going and leaving one home to arrive at another, I feel like I’ve been experiencing an inner-battle of sorts.

Who am I? What it is that I really want to do with my life?

Some of my friends from the Valley have gotten incredible jobs for next year, others are starting med school, and a few are vehemently following dreams. I feel caught somewhere in the middle. I loved Colorado while I was there, I loved the mountains and the people, and the accessibility to things like baseball games and breweries. I also love the idea of living at home for a year or two, saving for grad school, and working a job that I go to at 8 and leave at 5 or 6 and don’t really think about it much beyond that. For lack of a better descriptor, it’s so weird not having a plan.  My entire life has been planned. When I was little it was chores, dance, and soccer practice. In High School, it was college. In college, it was Teach For America. In Teach For America, it was anything and everything to induce a love for reading in my students in hopes of changing there academic trajectory. And, after Teach For America?

I have no plan.

I feel a bit like a failure. Aren’t you supposed to do something really awesome after TFA? Isn’t it suppose to be an experience that sets you up for a wonder of new and awesome other experiences? I’ve applied to jobs, heard back from some, interviewed for others, but nothing has really cultivated into…anything. I’m left asking myself

What do I do now?

I think Teach For America would want me to do something in the field of education, I think people expect me to do something incredible and world-saverish, I think my family and friends want me close to them, I think some people want me to write a book. Whereas all these things are good and grand, I think I want to re-group. I’ve been away from home for 6 years, I went to four different colleges, lived in 6 cities, I want to stay put and really re-group. It feels good to say that, but I also know (and I can hear people saying it) I’m capable of far more than re-grouping. I think, though, that re-grouping now (with deadlines and goals so it isn’t incessant) will set me up for something greater soon.

So, for now, in my absolute planlessness, I’m going to re-group and love that I  have the time, support, and resources to do such a thing at 24 years old.