365 Days Of Love. Day 58

I had duty in the gym this morning, meaning, along with two other teachers, I monitored sleepily rowdy (yes, it’s possible) 8^th graders before the breakfast bell rang. My duty time is the time I usually drive to school which doubles as the time I have my morning phone dates with my sister and my nephew, Bennett. I don’t get phone service in the gym, but as soon as I started the sloth-like walk to my classroom, my phone buzzed notifying I had two missed called and a voicemail. Before greeting my 25-person breakfast club, I listened to the message, it was from my sister

Hi Nat. Bennie brought me my phone this morning and said, “Nannie, Nannie! So. I thought we’d try to give you a call.”

Initially, I smiled, happy that my 1-year old nephew thought of me before 8 am this morning. As I thought about it more, though, sadness sort of stifled my smile. What if Bennie only ever associates me with the phone or the computer (we skype pretty frequently)? What if he grows up and says, “I have this aunt, Natalie, I see her on the computer, but I have no idea who she really is. Actually, I don’t even know if she is a real person because I hardly ever see her.”

I’m extremely grateful that I’ve been afforded experiences in life that have enabled me to live in 6 different states in 7 years, volunteer in two different countries, take a job opportunity overseas, but in all honesty, sometimes I fear that when I follow my dreams, people I care so deeply about won’t ever know me beyond the sound of my voice, my pixeled computer face, or the words in my blog.

Missing my sister and nephew’s phone call this morning forced me to consider how much I really miss. In the midst of tears, induced by reflecting upon so many memories those dear to me have created that I’ve participated in only by viewing pictures, a bare beam of light seeped into my sadness

I don’t have to be there. I just need to be the most genuine me wherever I am.

To be genuinely me is to ask the wind, “Where are we going?”

So far, the wind has responded, “Areas far away from your family, but close to your soul. Areas that will challenge you and frustrate you, but mold you and better you.”

Perhaps seeking the wind’s guidance runs the risks of being little more than a face on a computer screen or a voice on the telephone. Deeper down, though, I trust that as I blow through the life path set before me, Bennett, and those dearest to me will know the most genuine version of me and that will bring us wildly close.

Sweet Bennie’s message this morning taught me that loving is genuine, across miles and over seas, loving is simply being genuinely me